Betty ford says i'm here all night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize