According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
