How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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