my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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