Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
