Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
