Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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