I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
