I wish I could teleport
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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