But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize