Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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