i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
