Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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