I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
