Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
