No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
