did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
do nipples grow back?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
