you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
