i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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