Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
They have beer where we have blood.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
