Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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