I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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