i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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