im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
