i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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