I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
