Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
