We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize