I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
