Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
