I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
