Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
