it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
