i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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