it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
