I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
