Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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