Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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