I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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