i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
