I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
