"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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