My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
