Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
