Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
