I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I did not marry a roomba.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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