That's intense
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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