We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
