I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
