toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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