Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
