i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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