I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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