and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
