Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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