What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize