All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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