I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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