Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
