Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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