i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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