Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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