You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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