So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
