yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
