guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
