It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
