I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My Sexting was not on an AP level
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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