Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
