Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
