Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
