I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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