How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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