When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
