I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
