Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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