she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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