i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
