I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
